Five minutes into the second half of England’s 1-1 draw with the USA and one man was sweating profusely. England’s Jamie Carragher (time on pitch: five minutes) was doing his best impression of a Lee Evans concert (you know, the ones where you wouldn’t want front row tickets) with the temperature hovering at around the 13 degrees centigrade mark.
Looking like he was on a major comedown from crack, ‘Carra’ lumbered, oafed, and capitulated his way through 45 minutes of action.
Outpaced, out-witted, out-played, out-footballed, out his depth, and (God willing) out of the side. Hopefully waking up with a horse’s head in his bed, courtesy of Don Capello, Carragher demonstrated why his rat-faced-crap-moustachioed nemasis Gary Neville, the less shit Neville brother, should have been called up as an emergency right back instead. Able to cross the halfway line without getting a nosebleed, and keep pacy players such as Bellamy in check, Rat Boy surely would have been a better option than Carragher?
I dread to think what Fernando Torres does to him every day in training, but the far less pacy Adam Johnson ripped him to shreds before being culled from the squad for, erm, Shaun Blind-Alley-Wright-Phillips. Seemingly a dead cert to concede a penalty against the USA, Carragher nevertheless managed to provide plenty of comdey in his 45 minute cameo appearance. A full thirty minutes in and Carragher looked absolutely shagged, bringing down Buddle and getting skinned by Altidore.
With Ledley King in desperate need of a new body, will we have to rely on a man who looks like Lee Evans on a comedown from a three-day smack and crack binge? Calamity Green? England have far more pressing worries.
@ lawyers – Jamie Carragher has probably never touched heroin in his life.